when I should be studying...

Tonight, I cannot get over how amazing our God is. I should be studying, but I can't even concentrate! My mind is blown, as usual, and the unfailing love of our God!  He always gives me exactly what I need, even when I don't go to Him about it with prayer. He takes care of me so well! He gives me the chance to pour into others, and He gives me the opportunity to be poured into. He gives me life. He gives me love. He gives me a worldly example of His love through Andrew, and if the love Andrew shows me is no where near the love God has for us, how completely overwhelming is God's love?! I stand in awe. I bow in awe. Why do I not wake early every morning to spend precious time with the Creator of the universe? Why do I get ahead on homework instead of reading my Bible in my spare time? My God -- He is worthy of  every single second of my day and every single breath I breathe, for He is the Creator of each second and each breath. Why -- how -- do I forget these things? How can something as lowly as my flesh take over my thoughts and actions when my Creator is so much greater? It is time to get back on track. Since Summer Project, my quiet times have been horrible. School has taken over my life -- it's time to surrender that to God. God has so much in store for me, and it is so exciting!

How refreshing to know You don't need me; how amazing to find that You want me! 


Yes, He, the Creator of the universe, wants me. And He wants you, too. He wants all of us.

a relaxing morning

I haven't written on here in forever. Yes, I am aware I begin every single blog post like this. This is the first Saturday morning that I have just sat and relaxed since May, I believe. It is nice to breathe -- or rather, it would be nice to breathe if my sinuses didn't hate me. But that's okay. My sinuses won't ruin today.

I have myriad work to do before Monday, but I refuse. Throughout the week, I never have a moment to rest, to sit back and look at my life from a distance. I'm always in the here and now without a moment to waste. I'm so sick of that. I'm so sick of school consuming my life! I live for the weekend, it seems. The Writing Center is closed on the weekends, so I don't work. I can breathe.

Today is Andrew's and my eight month anniversary. It's crazy how time flies...that's the entire year! Crazy. But awesome. We are going to Cooper's Rock for a picnic this after -- if it doesn't rain. I really hope it doesn't rain.

He just got here, and he brought me flowers...I am so blessed. I love him. God is good.

feeling thoughtful

Sunday afternoons are the best: we don't have anything to do except eat lunch with our life groups and chill until 7 or 7:30 when we have our prayer meeting. This week was a little different. We are fasting as a group for 24 hours, and during these 24 hours, we are praying individually for 24 different countries. My country was Russia, and I prayed from 2-3 pm. Tonight, after we spend 7-8 pm praying for the United States as a group, we will break the fast with food provided by the church. It was hard last night when we started the fast, and it was hard this morning at church, but since I left church, I have not been feeling hungry. When I got back to the house, I talked to Caitlin for a while about what's been going on lately and how stressed I've been feeling, and then afterwards I went and had a decent quiet time for the first time in what feels like forever. After that, I fell asleep for an hour or so, and it was an absolutely fantastic nap (despite how I dreamt I ate an apple).

The entire time here, I have been struggling with finding a balance between time spent with God, new friends, and Andrew. It is incredibly hard to spend decent time with all three, despite the necessity. I want to wake up earlier to pray before work, but waking up earlier than 7:30 am just sounds painful, and I need all the sleep I can get. I want to get to know the people here much better, but it is so hard when I am emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that happens here. I want to maintain my relationship with Andrew, but I can't spend all of my free time talking to him. It is very tricky.

There are only three weeks left of Project, and I have made some pretty good friends. There are still tons of girls I'd love to get to know better, but where is the time? Sure, I could be talking to someone right now, but we all need our alone time to process our lives and what God is teaching us. If I never had any time to myself, I would freak out. This really has been the hardest summer of my life.

I look forward to having my own room with my own bathroom and a large, comfortable bed. I look forward to Morgantown. I look forward to seeing Andrew almost every day. At the same time, however, I don't want Summer Project to end. It feels as though it just began, and there are still areas of my life in which I want to see and feel healing. There are still places in which I want to see myself grow. There are fears I need to overcome. There are obstacles here that I can't even put into words.

And then there are the obstacles that aren't here at all. There's the death of my cousin that seeps into my mind from time to time. There's the absence of my boyfriend whom I love and miss dearly. There's the ever present fear of what lies in my future as a writer. There are so many fears.

What I am seeking is rest, and I know that God is my rest. He still doesn't have all of me, and it bothers me. I just need to hand everything over to Him so He can deal with my fears, anxieties, and everything else. He is so much better at taking care of things than I am.

God is so good, and he always provides. I was scared that I had to raise $2750, but He did it for me. He raised all of it for me. I was scared that I wouldn't get a job, but He got one for me, and a good one at that. I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends at all, but he put some amazing people in my life. I was scared that I'd never be able to go on Summer Project, but here I am. He has blessed me so abundantly, and it is so easy for us to overlook that.

Something I have been thinking a lot about is the absolutely terrifying power of God. I think we sometimes forget that our God is the God who created us and everything surrounding us. Our God is the God who appeared as a burning bush to a simple man with a speech impediment. Our God is the God who made the sun stand still in the sky for his warriors. Our God is the God who saved His devoted servants from an overheated furnace. Our God is the God who rose people from the dead and healed the sick. Our God is the God of the prophets. Our God is the God who has an army of angels.

When I think of all of this, I stand in complete awe and fear. How majestic is our Lord! How worthy He is of praise! And to think, this is the same God who sees us as spotless and blameless. Washed by the blood of Christ, He sees us as Christ! We have the same healing hands of Jesus. We have the power to cast out demons, heal the sick, and raise the dead. We are to have the faith that stops the sun in the sky and moves mountains.

What a calling.

June 24, 2011

What an odd idea it would be to let a vicious storm capture a beautiful day in paradise. Why would that be allowed: a beautiful day without the appearance of rain -- quickly switched to a tempest? 

By early evening, the sunny day had been mourned. The black clouds filled the sky and filled the air with thick rain drops. The storm lasted for what seemed like forever. At times it was unbearable, and at times there seemed no hope -- that the storm would continue forever, and the sun would never show its face again.

Amidst the tears, the sun did indeed begin to show itself. Light began to infiltrate the gray terrain as dark gray clouds parted. Over time, the sky became blue again, save a few white cumulus clouds. A sign showed in the sky -- a colorful arc. Why would something so beautiful follow the storm?

Paradise was calm. Waves few. Water refreshing. God good.

oh, hey blog

If I do have anyone who has been following because they saw this on my support letter, I really apologize. I have never felt so swamped and exhausted -- and I'm not even in school! I have been writing a lot in my journal, but that is stuff I can't post online, so I can't really blog that. Also, the internet here is hit-or-miss, so many days I don't even bother trying. However, here is a recap:

I work at Souvenir City/Inlet Gifts, which is on the boardwalk. It's about a 20 minute walk from my house, so there's my exercise! I wake up every morning at 7:30, but lately I haven't been falling asleep until very, very late...so that's just bad. Over the past three or so days, I've probably totaled about 16 hours of sleep. I am exhausted.

Since I am exhausted, I really don't want to be around people. I am having a lot of trouble dividing my time between my Project friends, Andrew, and, of course, God. I need to order my private world very, very badly. Without decent time spent with God, I lose it. I just feel empty. And I am so used to being alone at night that I can't really break the habit to go outside and play games with people. Tonight I am calling it a very early night and lying in bed whilst blogging and chatting. It is nice. I will also throw in some Bible in that mix, and it will be beautiful.

Early this morning, I described myself to a friend as an "emotional zombie." I feel so many things, but I actually feel nothing at all. I have experienced so many different emotions in the past couple of weeks that I have become numb to emotional feeling. I am very, very burnt out.

On June 9th, my cousin died in a car accident. He was 23. Evangelism is just starting to make itself a priority again. I just need to talk, which is why I am always writing in my journal.

I am constantly writing in my journal. My journal is my god. I idolize it, and I acknowledge that. If you're reading this, shoot up a prayer that I stop being in love with my journal and I start reading my Bible as much as I write. Blah!

So, since I am so preoccupied with other thoughts, I feel as though I am not having a good Project experience. That, however, is just my perception. I am learning a lot. A LOT. And I am going to leave Project a much more mature Christian.

I am learning a lot about patience. Or, I am learning a lot about how I don't have any patience. It's something that I really need to work on in many aspects of my life. Again, if you're reading this, shoot up a prayer for me.

I guess the only thing I can say is that I really, really need God. I have been trying to do a lot of things here at Project on my own, and I am failing. I need Him so badly, and I will be able to experience Him when I order my private life. That is something that needs to start tonight.

Until later.

Day 2

Well, first of all, allow me to talk about yesterday in much more detail:

I got to OCMD around 2pm. I unpacked and fixed up my bed as much as I could, and then I went to Souvenir City on the boardwalk to check in about a job. It turns out that they were saving two jobs for Project people, so Karen and I got the jobs. Getting a job on the first day is super relieving. I am very blessed.

Last night we went out sharing, and Anna and I talked to two women in their late 20s I'm guessing. They were pretty receptive, and I think we may have planted a seed. They were listening and asking a lot of good questions, and God totally spoke through me and Anna because we came back with really great answers on the spot. It was sweet.

Yesterday I think I really hated Summer Project; I'm not gonna lie. Today, however, I woke up with a completely different perspective. I think yesterday I was just ridiculous tired and wanted to be alone in my own little hole, but now I'm ready to come out of my shell and make cool friends...which I have. My small group is awesome. I really love those girls already, and it's going to be an awesome summer with them. My life group is also awesome, and it's going to be awesome going to church with them every Sunday and getting lunch after, etc. This just rules. Tonight, we all hung out on the porch, and I was sitting near the guitars. Mike and Jason were playing Taking Back Sunday's "Cute Without the E," and it was great. Now I'm chilling inside with pretty decent internet. Blogging. Blogging is fun.

Boy. I love writing. And I think I'm going to be doing a lot of it this summer. I like it. I like God, too. He's pretty sweet. And he's the reason I'm here. Boy...I really love that God of mine. He's awesome.

Can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow.

Day 1

Well, I arrived in OCMD around 2pm today...unpacked...went to the boardwalk to check out Souvenir City and secured myself a job...met with the team...went out sharing...came back for dinner...did some ice breakers...and then people went out to the beach for some worship, but I am absolutely wiped out, so I stayed inside and showered and got online. Ahh...refreshing.

I'm really too tired to write any more, so another time. Laterz.

Oh, Don't Mind Me, I'm Just Blogging

            In the movie Inception, the main character tells one of his colleagues that they can never remember the beginning of a dream; they always just end up in the middle of it without knowing how they got there. I thought of this connection when I sat contemplating how the Internet got to where it is now. I have been surrounded by the Internet for the majority of my twenty years of life, but I cannot remember at all when Web2.0 began.

            That might have been a lame connection, but it is true. Can we really remember how we got to this place in the Internet world? Can we remember how the ever-changing Facebook looked just two months ago? How about what Myspace looked like when we stopped using it and switched to Facebook? Seriously, do we remember how we got here? I cannot say that I do, and I doubt that many others can. Perhaps we are living in a dream.

            Web2.0 suddenly happened. The only thing I can remember habitually doing on the computer before Web2.0 was playing solitaire and other games. I remember watching my brother play his Star Wars games with a joy-stick as the controller. I remember playing The Sims and making up my future life with the boy I had a crush on. I also remember The Sims making my computer ridiculously slow, but that is another story. To sum it up, it seems as though Web1.0 was more of an anti-social computer experience.

            Web2.0, on the other hand, opened up a bridge to connect with others because others were building bridges. A paper written by two lab researchers at AT&T says,

However, the essential difference between Web 1.0 and Web 2.0 is that content creators were few in Web 1.0 with the vast majority of users simply acting as consumers of content, while any participant can be a content creator in Web 2.0 and numerous technological aids have been created to maximize the potential for content creation. (Cormode and Krishnamurthy)

Whoa! Does that mean we are content-creators, too? I have been using Web2.0 sites for years, but I never considered myself an actual content-creator until this class opened up my eyes to that truth. I never thought being an Internet content-creator would be so easy, but that is what Web2.0 did. It made being a computer nerd easy and, well, common.

            I am using this reflection as a way to clarify my thoughts on Web2.0, and what better example of Web2.0 to examine is there than social networking? There are many pros and cons about social networking, but how much ground do the cons hold? As it is, I love social networking. Will the cons be enough to sway my opinion? We shall see.

            One complaint about social networks is that they lead to brain disorders such as ADHD in children (ProCon.org). We discussed the issue of the switch from deep attention to hyper attention at the beginning of the semester, and it was one of the most interesting concepts we explored. Sure, Facebook is a site we tend to use a lot. In fact, “to Facebook” is an infinitive verb. “I Facebooked during class,” and “I will Facebook her later” are common phrases. It is just something we do. Therefore, it is something we will do while we are doing other things, such as sitting in class or writing a paper at home. Do we really have social networking to blame for this? It is not Mark Zuckerberg’s fault that his website is more entertaining than a boring lecture.

            Now, I am not saying that it is the hypothetical boring professor who is making students’ thoughts trail off to the web; I am saying, however, that it all comes down to choice. We have a choice to pay attention in class or focus on our papers, and we have a choice to surf the net instead. I do not believe social networking actually leads to ADHD. I think it is human nature to switch to something more exciting when we are bored. In his article “Divided Attention,” David Glenn quotes a man who sums up my thoughts exactly. Clifford Nass says,            

I don't think that law students in classrooms are sitting there thinking, Boy, I'd rather play Freecell than learn the law. I don't think that's the case. What happens is that there's a moment that comes when you say, Boy, I can do something really easy, or I can do something really hard. (qtd. in Glenn)

Facebook is the really easy answer, providing an escape from constant learning and requiring little thought. The amount in which you indulge is where the problem lies. Again, it all comes down to a personal choice. Spending a couple minutes on Facebook to escape from class will do little damage to one’s learning, whereas spending the entire class period on Facebook will likely result in poor grades. If people are foolish enough to waste their education on Facebook, let them. It is their fault, not Mark Zuckerberg’s fault.

            When it comes to issues as serious as ADHD, I think Web2.0 itself has indeed played a role in the increasing diagnoses, not necessarily social networking sites. Watching “The Machine is Us/ing Us” is enough evidence of that. The video navigates through web pages and changes text around faster than anyone should, and it is almost too fast-paced to believe it is real. Some parts are indeed sped up, but others are not. The part of the video that best relates to ADHD, I think, is the very beginning with the text turning into hypertext. The links move all over the page, and the cursor keeps clicking on it (Wesch). When we see links that interest us, we click on them, usually no matter what we are doing. It is a weakness of our attachment to Web2.0; we have access to whatever information we want, and when we see that access, we immediately take it. We live in a fast-paced world, and we carry that fast-paced environment right onto the web.

            Sometimes, however, the web moves too fast, and we miss things. It is easy to miss things when there are so many things there, and it is scary to think that some of these things might be important. Another common complaint about social networking is its privacy (or lack thereof) policies. This is something we have all heard about, whether from NBC’s To Catch a Predator or just from Facebook’s constantly updating privacy settings. Again, I must ask, are these privacy issues really the social networking sites’ fault? Mark Zuckerberg does not control what people put on their pages; they do.

            Of course, then comes the information that we cannot control being shared with other websites. I wrote in my second reflection about how Pandora once suggested a band to me because one of my friends “liked” that band on Facebook. How are these sites getting this information? Is Facebook selling my information? How dare they!

            Yes, that was sarcasm. Personally, I could not care less if Pandora knows my friends’ music interests via Facebook. I actually think it is a very good marketing strategy. The information is there; why not profit from it?

            Perhaps I do not have an issue with Facebook’s privacy policies because I do not have anything on Facebook that I would not want potential employers to see. I enjoy sobriety, so I do not have any embarrassing pictures of me partaking in activities that take away sobriety. Google’s CEO Eric Schmidt says it well: “If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place” (Kirkpatrick). I could not have said it better myself. Again, it comes down to a choice. We know that social networking sites are not as private as we would like them to be, so why share extremely personal information? Just choose not to do it, and there will be nothing to worry about.

            Web2.0 is what gives these sites the ability to share information with other sites. It makes everything much more open. Through Web2.0, more than just social networking sites can be overly public: blogs can be public; Twitter accounts can be public; Foursquare accounts can be public if we choose to be friends we people we do not know or post it to Facebook. Ken Yeung states in a blog post, “Just because we have the freedom to post videos or photos of our outings…does not mean that we don’t have to worry about that information coming back to bite you on the derriere” (Yeung). I agree. In order to maintain our privacy, we must remain discreet, or else it might come back to…you know. It is up to us to use good judgment; we cannot blame Web2.0 and its services.

            Hacking is another issue that comes up when discussing Web2.0. Hacking is definitely a huge problem in social networking sites because “[p]eople trust messages sent through social networking sites and consider them more legitimate than emails” (ProCon.org). We do not see hackers coming; they are trained computer nerds who know exactly how to slip through the cracks of the Internet unnoticed.

            I partly blame Web2.0 for this issue with hacking. In the case of Facebook hacking, these hackers made websites that looked identical to Facebook’s login page, and the victims ignorantly gave the website their login information (Suddath). Web2.0 allows hackers to do this. People are able to create websites basically however they want, and they use the information to spread spam and potentially steal money.

            Although I blame Web2.0, I also blame us. Again, we have a choice; we can pay attention to what sites into which we enter our information, or we can follow our hyper-active lives straight into hacker territory. As long as we take steps to prevent this from happening, we will be fine, and hacking in social networking sites will not be an issue.

            In this reflection, I have explored some major issues of Web2.0’s social networking, namely Facebook. Through my research, I have maintained that social networking via Web2.0 is not a bad thing. Sure, it can have negative consequences, but only if we allow those negative consequences to happen. I have said it a lot of times, and I will say it again: it all comes down to a choice.

            We choose how much time we spend on Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is not to blame for poor note taking and grades, the student is. It is ultimately up to us to control ourselves and prioritize when it comes to social networking begin a distraction. Web2.0 itself is enough of a distraction, but again, we have to prioritize.

            We choose the information we share on the Internet. Web2.0 gives us many ways to share our information, but it does not dictate what we share. We do. Therefore, we the users cannot blame social networking for its lack of security. We cannot blame Facebook for preventing us from getting jobs when we blatantly post embarrassing pictures and information. We must choose to censor this information before it comes back to, for lack of a better phrase, bite us in the butt.

            We choose to enter information ignorantly onto hacked sites; social networking sites do not force our profiles to be hacked. We, in our hyper-active lives, do not take the time to analyze what we are doing, resulting in a hacked account. We must take the initiative to prevent that from happening to ourselves. Mark Zuckerberg does not control where we type our information, we do.

            Web2.0 created an online environment where we can connect with others but still be our own self. This self is fragile and requires a lot of care. In this digital age, we must keep this self responsible, respectable, and safe from potential harm. The Internet is a scary place, and I find myself wondering where this digital age began. I cannot remember the beginning, and there is no ending in sight. Maybe we really are living an Internet-induced dream.

Works Cited

ProCon.org. “Social Networking.” socialnetworking.procon.org. ProCon.org, 21 April 2011. Web. 26 April 2011.

Glenn, David. “Divided Attention.” The Chronicle Review. The Chronicle of Higher Education, 28 Feb. 2010. Web. 26 April 2011.

Yeung, Ken. “To Social Networks & the Internet, Your Privacy Isn’t Private. Lock it Down.” The Digital Letter. The Digital Letter, 3 May 2010. Web. 26 April 2011.

Kirkpatrick, Marshall. “Why Facebook is Wrong: Privacy is Still Important.” ReadWriteWeb. ReadWriteWeb, 11 Jan. 2010. Web. 26 April 2011.

Cormode, Graham and Balachander Krishnamurthy. “Key Differences between Web1.0 and Web2.0.”  First Monday: Peer-Reviewed Journal on the Internet 13.6 (2008): n. pag. Web. 26 April 2011.

Suddath, Claire. “The Downside of Friends: Facebook’s Hacking Problem.” Time Magazine. Time Magazine, 5 May 2009. Web. 26 April 2011.

Wesch, Michael. “The Machine is Us/ing Us.” Kansas State University. 31 Jan. 2007. YouTube. 26 April 2011.

frwsdofnewdsfedsAHHHH

Psalm 46:10 says to "Be still and know that I am God."

Why is it so hard to be still? My brain is always racing off in every which way. I can't study. I can't read. The only thing I'm actually capable of doing anymore is writing papers. I feel as though I have lost the ability to relax. It came to my attention a few nights ago when Andrew made sure that I did not do anything before bed and just went straight to sleep when I could. I had a horrible headache, so he came in and put support letters together for me. Quite admirable. He's a gentleman. I don't know how I got so lucky. But I digress...

The point is...can school just end? All I want is to relax...I want to lay in bed and watch hockey and read an enjoyable book. I want to go rollerblading. I want to go on a picnic. I want to go look at the prettiness of Spring. I want to be able to take it in...

Lately, if I haven't been busy with something, I have been forcing myself to be busy with something. I feel as though I am wasting time if I am not doing something school-related. Actually, the only time I really relax is when I'm having a quiet time or when I'm hanging out with Andrew.

I don't like this. I need to take a chill pill. I need to be still. This isn't good for my health at all. My goal for the next week or so is to relax -- to take some time off from life. Like, I almost feel like locking myself in my closet...but I'd probably starve to death, so that wouldn't be very good. Holy crap. That's an awful idea. Scratch that.

Oh, I suppose I'll talk about support-raising really quickly before I end this so I can attempt studying and then go to sleep...I have a little over a month to raise about $3000. I've raised $100 so far. I'm not worried about it, though. I'm actually surprisingly peaceful about it. I'm so excited to see what God will do with this situation. I know He is going to provide for me, of course. He always does, even when I don't ask! So how much more will He provide when I do ask? That's the most exciting part! My mind has been blown by the amount of people who are excited to support me! It's so encouraging! God is so good!

I feel very convicted after I freak about about stress in my life. I know how blessed I am. I am incomprehensibly blessed. I don't deserve an ounce of it...but that is grace. Oh, how thankful I am for grace! Without it...I don't want to know where I'd be. I probably wouldn't have my awesome family, friends, and boyfriend, that's for sure. I am so thankful for them. They are embodiments of grace.

So, Psalm 46:10...prepare to be meditated upon.

a quick thought

Well, I'm all packed up to go home with Andrew this weekend, and I have a little bit of time, so I figured I'd write this up. The past couple weeks have been super busy with school, mostly, but also with the beginning of raising support. I have my letter written for the most part; it still needs to be perfected, but I'm putting it off for a few days so I can look at it with fresh eyes. I've gotten a good few addresses, but I still need tons more. I have this constant nervousness about it...like, the nerves haven't gone down, but I've gotten used to the nerves, so they don't really affect me as much anymore, I guess. If that makes ANY sense at all. I know God will provide...and my sinfulness is making me expect the worse. Yuck. Sin sucks.

On a brighter note, our Cru band got picked to play at Big Break 2011 in Panama City Beach, FL, the week of March 20-24. It's gonna rule. The leader chose me to roadmap the song lyrics for the slides there, so I'm a part of the band (my dream came true! just kidding...kinda). But anyways, it's gonna be amazing. Our band is so, so good! So praise God for rewarding hard work :)

So, since I'm a part of the band for this, that means I'm going to Big Break. I wasn't planning on going to Big Break this year since I'm going on Project, but...well...that's just how God works, I guess. He puts me where I need to be. It looks like He wants me at Big Break :) So that's cool. He always provides...so why worry about raising support? I didn't even ask him for a way to go to Big Break...He just gave it to me! How much more will He give to those who ask? :) I'm so excited to see what He does in my life!

Hm...other than all of that...school's just been nutty. I'm glad I'm getting away for the weekend...even if it is enemy territory...

Yay! I love going to new places! :D Today at the Bistro, they were serving Philly cheesesteaks as the action station, and I told the man I was going to Philly this weekend...and he said, "Oh, well then you don't want one of these!" Haha! How true, indeed! I'm so excited to try a real Philly cheesesteak! And then I can judge if they're better than Primanti Bros sandwiches.

Perhaps my prejudice will force me to lie.

But anyways...fun!!! I love going on long car rides, too, so this all just works out perfectly. Praise God for all of the awesome opportunities He gives me to explore. He has blessed me so, SO abundantly! Wow. I'm in awe. He's so good.

I'd also like to say that I have an amazing boyfriend. He is such a blessing! :)

ladies, the only man you need is Jesus

I don't know how to word this, but I'll give it my best shot.

Lately (over the past couple weeks), God has been teaching me how He needs to be the rock of my life. He's also been teaching me how silly it is to idolize the opposite sex (though in this sex-saturated culture, it is easy to fall into it). I hope all of this makes sense together. It's well past 11:20 (inside joke).

But the thing is...well, I have never been the type of girl who always has to have a boyfriend to be happy or derives all joy from guys' attention, but I know a lot of girls who feel that way. Well, I'm not completely innocent of feeling like that, but that was mostly in high school...ever since I came to college, I haven't felt like that...and I know exactly why. It's because I have found something much better than having a man in my life, and that is God. A man could never fulfill me like God does.

For instance...I have heard many girls say that life would be so much easier and happier if they had a boyfriend...when in fact, they just need Jesus. A man could never, ever fill that God-shaped hole.

I knew this since I became a Christian, but this is the first time I am personally experiencing it. I've been in a God-centered relationship for two weeks, and I am incredibly happy about it, but it is not the source of my joy. My boyfriend is not the source of my joy. God is the source of my joy. No one else could possibly take the place of God.

God has put it on my heart to share this with women who feel as though they need a guy to be happy. Ladies, listen...you only need one man, and his name is Jesus. If a boy brings you all of your joy, that's called idolization.

One of the main points of a relationship (well, a Godly relationship, a real relationship) is to grow closer to God together. If you are in a relationship and all of your joy is with each other, it is not glorifying to God!

Your relationship with God should not depend on your relationship with your boyfriend. The joy in your life should not depend on your relationship with your boyfriend. You should depend on God. If you and your boyfriend broke up, your joy should not be affected because it should come from the Lord. Yes, that is hard to grasp, being completely joyful even though you and your boyfriend broke up, but think about it: that is obviously God's will for your life. Rejoice in Him, for He knows better than you do. I guarantee it.

I have embedded this into my heart and brain so much that when I got into a relationship, I questioned whether or not I was allowed to be happy about it. I checked myself constantly, asking myself if my joy was coming from Andrew or if it was coming from what God has done in my life. The fact that I constantly check myself about it gives me peace that I am joyful about what God has done, nothing else, and that I am striving to keep Him first in my heart always.

But to answer my own question, yes, I am allowed to be happy! God has done wonderful things. God brings me happiness, Andrew brings me happiness, my friends bring me happiness, but only God and what he Has done in my life brings me joy. Don't feel guilty about being happy about a man; people are supposed to make you feel different emotions! Just make sure God brings you the greatest emotion of all.

God is my rock. We must be content with Him and whatever He chooses to do in our lives. He knows what is best for us at all times, whereas we are sinful humans. We choose the flesh over the spirit more times than not. We need Him. We need to give Him the attention and love He deserves because without him, our lives would fall apart.

It gets me wondering how I ever survived without God. Prior to the last year and a half of my life, I depended on myself, and my life was just a mess. The flesh ruled me. I've done a 180...I remind myself every day not to trust the flesh because it only leads to death. I have a giant sign in my room that says it.

I also have Galatians 5:17 hanging up in my room: For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other to keep you from doing the things you want to do.

Like I said before, we are sinful human beings. It is in our nature to want to sin! But the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh...if we follow the spirit, we cannot go wrong.

If we follow God, we cannot go wrong. That is why He must be our rock and our joy. Always.

David Crowder Band - You Are My Joy
And I'm laughing so hard...

untitled

It's been a while, so here's some stuff:

Radiate 2010 was pretty darn sweet. Most of the messages were incredibly applicable, and the couple that weren't...well...I kinda dozed off for them :-/...I got very little sleep all week because my body is weird and likes to run all day and into the wee hours of the night without any sort of caffeine. I suppose that's a good trait. So, yeah, Radiate ruled as usual. I bought a couple books and a few evangelism tools, so hopefully I get someone to go with me so I can use them at school. The card thing looks pretty cool...and Soulariums are the coolest things ever...so, yeah.

I also got to know some pretty cool girls over Radiate, which was good. I like making new friends. Hmm...what else...well, I noticed that my guitar is cracked, so that sucks a whole bunch...hmm...oh.

The Winter Classic was amazing! Although the Penguins lost, it was still the coolest experience ever! I was way back and, therefore, covered from the rain. Whoever said it doesn't rain in hockey...well, they're right. That game was ridiculous. The ice was terrible...but what an experience!

And, because of the weather, the time was pushed back to 8 pm, so I got to sleep an extra night in Baltimore on those wonderful mattresses which, I am saddened to learn, are not, in fact, Tempur Pedic, but merely a really, really nice box spring. Oh well...they're still great...and definitely something to look forward to when it comes time for Radiate again. I LOVE RADIATE!

New Years Dinner was delicious as usual...the soup. THE SOUP. It's amazing. After the Classic, I ended up at the Southside Primanti Brothers, but I didn't eat. I almost regret it. That would have been a great end to New Years Day...if it wasn't already midnight!

New Years day was really good. The dance party the night before was fun because I just danced around like an idiot and wore a really cool dress on which I got a sweet deal. The fireworks SUCKED, but that's okay. Bringing in the new year whilst worshiping the Lord is always good...there's nothing else I'd rather be doing.

Anyway...I am super blessed, and I notice it more and more every day. I tend to lose sight of that when I'm at home and surrounded by negative emotion. Oh, I am not on a conference high. Radiate definitely cleared up a lot of things I'd been struggling with, but now I feel like I should be feeling rather than on a high, I guess. I don't know how to explain it right now.

That was the most jumbled blog EVER. But I guess my thoughts have just been all over the place. Something pretty cool is happening. But I shan't lose sight of God in the midst of it. God must stay first, and He will.

Only to Jesus, my knees will bow;
Beautiful Savior, Almighty God.