excuse me?

Yesterday in mass, the priest said, "When you are making a tough decision, just remember that God is good and He loves us. He can't help you with your decision, but remember, He is good. Nothing is impossible for God."

Um, excuse me, Father? Where is the relationship?! I submit that my life absolutely, positively sucked before I let God help me with my decisions! Seriously. How can you feel close to God without that relationship? How can you find joy without that relationship? How can you feel at peace without that relationship?

How do you even know that God is good without the relationship? How can He show us love without the relationship? Ugh. This blows my mind. How did I ever experience God without the relationship? Oh yeah, that's right, I didn't.

This not only blows my mind; it also breaks my heart. So many people believe they know God just because they "pray" and have learned a lot about the aspects of their faith. So many people just accept it blindly and then do nothing about it. Where is the conviction?! And how can you pray without a relationship?

Allow me to get back to the main subject: "He can't help you with your decision...." Well, of course He can't if you don't let him! God knows us better than we know ourselves; He should be present in every big decision we make! He alone knows what is best for us; we don't. Saying that He can't help us and then following it with "nothing is impossible for God" is incredibly contradictory. Basically, it's saying that it's impossible for God to help us.

Huh?! Wait! That's not right! Whoa! Hold on there!

Thus are my thoughts. It's really tough to get these feelings out and live above reproach. I need God to heal my heart from the damage done to it before He chose me. I am still so bitter...but I don't want to feel like that.

But what about when it's seriously wrong? This is seriously wrong. Saying that God can't help you with a decision completely contradicts saying that nothing is impossible for God. This isn't an attack on a religion. It's an attempt to clear up a clear contradiction. I don't know. My mind is all over the place right now.

Lord, give me peace.

i know there must be something more / if i could only find the door

This past weekend, I went to an ugly sweater party and felt like I was back in high school. It wasn't bad, but it was weird. It felt like everyone there was a "popular kid."

I have landed myself in a Christian bubble. These people are my friends, and I see/hang out with them all the time. I have never had a solid group of friends before. I have a lot of other friends, of course, but these people are my main friends. Sometimes it just doesn't feel right.

Where is the outreach? How am I furthering His kingdom when I am constantly surrounded by believers? When am I stepping out of my comfort zone? More importantly, how are WE furthering his kingdom and stepping out of OUR comfort zones when we are surrounded by believers?

It's quite convicting. At least it is for me.

Am I surrounding myself with my Christian bubble out of fear? That doesn't sound like the freedom one should have in Christ. What am I more afraid of, living or dying?

Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Have I been losing my life for His sake? In my Christian community, have WE been losing our lives for His sake? Or have we been living like a bunch of American Christians who idolize comfort?

I pray that God will humble and strengthen me, that He will give me a passion for His name, that He would guide every step I take, and that my life will be a burning offering for His sake.

um

I'm starting to get antsy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I just need to take some sort of action. Like, I need to do something. Life is boring.

I want to get a Soularium and use my free time to go sharing in the Mountainlair. There is not enough evangelism. I don't know who would go with me, though. I'm afraid to do it by myself at the moment. Although I shouldn't be. I don't know.

After spending a week at home, I am thoroughly sad. Weirton just makes me sad. It has to be the most spiritually dead city in northern West Virginia. If it's not, I don't know what is. When I'm there, I am incredibly sad. It's like it's full of Dementors or something. Wow, I just brought Harry Potter to life. I'm not surprised.

But seriously. There is like a cloud of sadness there. It's really...sad. And I feel like it's my job to be a good witness and save my friends, but that's not even possible. I can't save. Only God can do that. Therefore, I must pray, and pray A LOT.

Satan screws with me really, really badly when I'm at home. I'm glad I'm back. It wasn't too bad this time, at least. I know how to fight it now.

I shouldn't let these things bring me down, but come on...my best friends. I wish they could see the light I've found. It beats out everything.

Ahh, prayer is good. And so is God.

a Thanksgiving thought

Is it sad that I remember my Facebook status from last Thanksgiving? I clearly remember it saying "Natalie Carpini is thankful for grace." I had only been a Christian for a month and a half.

So there's this diagram thing that looks like <✞ (only it's obviously a ton bigger than that). Anyway, one line measures your awareness of sin in your life, and the other line measures your awareness of God's power. The cross connects the two lines in the middle.

As your awareness of sin in your life grows, and as your awareness of God's power grows, the cross in the middle grows larger to connect the two lines. Thus has been the story of my life for the past couple months.

I have been learning so much about God...about His power, His plan, His Will, His character, His Word...it's been incredibly mind-blowing...what a journey it's been! And it's only the beginning.

I feel as though I've always been very aware of the sin in my life, but I chose to ignore it for a long time. However, lately I've been SUPER aware of it, not only in my actions but in my thoughts as well.

Therefore, the cross continues to get bigger in my life...it's awesome. And it's something I am incredibly thankful for. Heck, it's the most important thing for which to be thankful.

This year, I am even more thankful for grace. And I am thankful that God chose me to be one of His servants. I'm thankful for the abundance of blessings He has given me so I can bless others. I am thankful for my testimony. I am thankful for my awesome friends and family.

I am thankful for this passion that God has given me to fall more and more in love with Him.

Happy Thanksgiving!

my head hurts

My head hurts in two ways: physically because my shoulders haven't relaxed in what seems like forever; mentally because my brain refuses to clear itself of the billion thoughts I've had over the past week. Discerning God's will is insanely tough. I have a really important decision to make in the next couple weeks, but I can't make it with all this school work and stuff going on. Hooray for Thanksgiving break, even if it's only a week. Hopefully I'll be able to clear my head.

At least I'm not under attack anymore. Last weekend I was dying. I had soooo many degrading thoughts...I was physically and mentally exhausted, and Satan took full advantage of that. I'm okay now, though.

I feel very relieved that Worship Night is over...now I can just go to Cru tomorrow then to Harry Potter...and then ruin my Friday with an Italian exam...and then go home to bed.

No lie. Bed.

I just realized I haven't been ice skating yet this fall. What the heck. Not cool. I'm going to the Pens game on Black Friday. Very cool. It was that or the Backyard Brawl...and I chose hockey...because hockey is better...and...warmer...(ironic).

Oh, right, so the point of this blog...one time at Chestnut Ridge, Pastor Tim talked about having a "pot of constriction" that keeps you from growing. I can feel my pot of constriction cracking, and it is scaring the crap out of me. It's definitely a great thing, but it's also very scary. I feel very restless...as though something big is going to happen...and that is scary, too.

I'll end by saying something I tend to say a lot: it's hard to have an eternal perspective when you can't see what's in front of you. Scary stuff.

too early for football

I don't know why I caved in and got a ticket for the game today, but oh well.

Here's the thing: I came to the realization Thursday night (with the help of a friend) that the reason I was feeling so down on Thursday and vulnerable to Satan's attacks is because I must be doing something right. That's an encouraging thought. I am getting attacked because I'm doing something right. Goodness.

Joyful is not the word to describe how I've been feeling, though it should be! Satan knows exactly how to get me. Good thing I know exactly how to resist, even if I don't always do it. Hooray for grace.

I have a feeling I'll be suffering for a long time. I know so many people who get excited for Project when they apply, and then afterward, when Project actually comes closer, they don't want to go anymore. Of course that's Satan. What a douche. I hate him.


"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

i need to be doing homework

But I really needed to take a second to write down how absolutely and positively amazing God is! I have been praying for so long for something, and my prayer has been answered! I am in awe of His power!

Savior, He can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save,
He is mighty to save!
Ocean City, Maryland Summer Project 2011, I will be applying for you soon!

have you put on your Christ Deodorant today?

2 Corinthians 2:14-16 says,

"But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him everywhere. For we are the aroma of Christ to God among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing, to one a fragrance from death to death, to the other a fragrance from life to life. Who is sufficient for these things?"

Yesterday I got the idea of Christ Deodorant...and Lauren said it would make a great skit...so I told Corey, an hopefully the Skit Team can throw something together, preferably mocking the Old Spice commercials. It would be hilariously awesome.

But anyway, back to the Scripture...I find it interesting that God, speaking through Paul, says nothing about our words or actions, but only our scent. People should smell Christ in us. I mean, obviously the only way people could be able to smell Christ in us is if  we are filled with the Spirit and speak and act righteously, but still, it's very interesting that Paul writes about our scent and nothing else. Hm.

My sleeping habits are so insanely bad. I don't consume caffeine, nor do I take naps, yet I am still awake until at least 3 a.m. every night. It's ridiculous and unhealthy. I would love to take a nap right now, but that would only contribute to me staying up late tonight. Crap. Hopefully I can hold out until bed time and get a good night's rest. It's my own fault. I need to fix my habits. Next semester should be much better.

Since I'm super tired, I feel like this blog is really scatter-brained and lacking in coherence...so I'll end with something I said last week after Lauren asked me if I was awake. I replied, "Lol barely, Harry's been on for over 24 hrs, I told myself bless you when I sneezed, and I just dropped my phone on my face. Fail."

I crack up every time I read it. Classic half-asleep nonsense. Good stuff.

hooray!

My story is done, though I turned it in a tad late. For some reason, I really like it. Maybe I should write happier stories more often. I don't know. I definitely took a different approach with this one; I've never written a love story like that before.

I think I just have a bad impression of love stories because they're always so dirty. Romance novels are trashy, and teen books like the Gossip Girl series are just stupid and promote impurity. Ugh. How annoying.

Yes, I admit to reading the Gossip Girl series when I was a small child. I'm not even kidding; I was probably too young to be reading those novels. I've never read a romance novel, but I'm pretty sure they're all trashy. Maybe I should read one just to see how bad it is and learn ways not to write.

Or maybe I'll just stick with Harry Potter at the moment, considering part one of the seventh movie is coming out in a few weeks. I've only read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows once, which is weird considering I've read the rest of them too many times to count.

Oh J.K. Rowling, you are such an inspiration to me.

Lauren and I are about to head to Bible study, so I'll end on this thought: the guest speaker at Stonebridge today talked about commitment and denying self. It was good. It brought this song to mind.

I walked away in silence
and threw myself upon the ground;
these words they burned inside me:
take up your cross before your crown.
Thrice - Weight of Glory

take my life and let it be Yours

I'm sitting at the Quad attempting to work on my story. Lauren is also doing homework, and Erica, Jessica, and Zach are practicing for worship tomorrow morning at Stonebridge. I'm so comfortable! I'm sitting here in sweatpants, doing what I love to do the most, surrounded by lots of people I love, with background music I love. It rocks.

So my story...I completely changed what I thought I was going to do yesterday. I'm at about 1300 words, so about halfway there. I think I like it. It's definitely a lot different than what I'm used to writing.

I like this feeling. I love when I'm in the middle of a story. That's good motivation to write a novel, right? I'd be in the middle of that story for a pretty long time. Thursday we had a novelist substitute teacher for my Fiction class, and he was really cool. I was one of the few people who wanted to write novels. I think that's cool.

I don't have a Creative Writing class next semester, and I'm scared I'll get off track. Perhaps I should make a promise to myself that I will write a story per week or a couple big stories. Yeah. That sounds like a good idea.

God is so awesome! He always answers my prayers in some way, even if it isn't the way I wanted them to be answered. He's smart. He knows what's best for me. I definitely don't.

Break me down. It's when I'm weak that You are strong, Lord.
-The Bridge Band

P.S. Can't wait until Radiate 2010! It's going to be awesome!

procrastination

My story's due in about 24 hours, and I am no where near finished. Crap. I'm not worried about it, though. I'll get it done, even if it means turning it in on Sunday instead. It's all good. I'm really struggling to think of a good story, though. I think I have something, but it might be too difficult to do in 24 hours, at least six of which I hope are spent asleep.

I told myself I'd incorporate hockey into at least one of my stories for this class. Writers write about what they love, right? Half right. I don't really love the things I've written about. But this one will be about things I love.

I had to go to the Honors Dorm today to turn in a Final Enrichment/Reflection paper for teaching Honors 199. I don't miss living there. I mean, yeah, it's a super nice dorm, but Sunnyside just isn't that great. I do, however, have some great memories of living right on Grant...like looking out my window at 2 a.m. to find some drunk dude taking a pee under my window, or hearing wretching and looking out my window at 10 a.m. to see projectile vomiting a little ways down the street. Yeah, good memories.

Here in good ol' B. North, I constantly hear girls screaming, and I have a great view of a brick wall. Yup. I make good choices for dorms. It's all good, though. My experiences in dorms will just make apartment life even better. Next year I'll be at The District with Anna Jo :) I can't wait!

Perhaps I'll make a habit of ending every post with some lyrics. Or a verse. Yeah, verse.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Oh, the weather outside is weather...

I'm in a rut. I have a 3000 word story due on Saturday, and I'm trying to take a different approach with it. Usually my stories are sad...or twisted...or something along the lines of unpleasant...but I want this to be different. I'm starting to gain some confidence back in my writing; my writer's block of about two years is finally coming to an end, and it's a wonderful feeling.

I owe it all to God. First I started journaling my prayers, and that proceeded to me picking up journaling again, which has lead to me writing more. The two year slump is over! I feel as though my life is beginning to get on track.

I have God, and I am invincible with Him. I have goals. I have plans. I'm taking the right steps in school. I'm starting to get it together. I am blessed beyond belief.

Awed by grace,
I fall on my face
and scream the Word
that could save us all.