And I have been. For a long time. I can't really remember the last time I wasn't fearful.
But why? Why am I fearful? It makes no sense at all. I have so many options in front of me for my future. I can go to grad school. I can take a year off. I could end up married. I could die tomorrow. I don't know. But fear. Why am I afraid of my future? All of these options are wonderful! For realz. Well, besides death -- even though I would get to meet Jesus sooner! But really. My anxiety has been out of the roof for the past few months.
This time next year, I'll be preparing to graduate. With an English degree. Woo. The worst degree EVER. If I don't go to grad school, I won't get a decent job. At least, I more than likely won't get a decent job. Ever.
What do I want in life? I want Jesus. I want to pursue Jesus. I want freedom to follow Him. I want to be my own person. I want to live according to His Will.
Here's the only other thing I want: I want to marry Andrew. That is the only thing that I 100% know, that I am 100% sure, that I want for my future, besides the ability to follow Jesus with everything I have.
My problem is patience. I have no patience! And I have a past that makes me yearn for physical contact, and not having it is a horrible struggle. I burn with passion every day.
But love is patient (1 Cor 13:4). And I love Andrew. And I will honor both him and God with this patience that can only come from above. Or I will try my hardest...since that's really all God expects.
Andrew has been so patient with me, and I love him even more for it. I only hope and pray I can return the favor. I'm covered in grace.
