Sunday afternoons are the best: we don't have anything to do except eat lunch with our life groups and chill until 7 or 7:30 when we have our prayer meeting. This week was a little different. We are fasting as a group for 24 hours, and during these 24 hours, we are praying individually for 24 different countries. My country was Russia, and I prayed from 2-3 pm. Tonight, after we spend 7-8 pm praying for the United States as a group, we will break the fast with food provided by the church. It was hard last night when we started the fast, and it was hard this morning at church, but since I left church, I have not been feeling hungry. When I got back to the house, I talked to Caitlin for a while about what's been going on lately and how stressed I've been feeling, and then afterwards I went and had a decent quiet time for the first time in what feels like forever. After that, I fell asleep for an hour or so, and it was an absolutely fantastic nap (despite how I dreamt I ate an apple).
The entire time here, I have been struggling with finding a balance between time spent with God, new friends, and Andrew. It is incredibly hard to spend decent time with all three, despite the necessity. I want to wake up earlier to pray before work, but waking up earlier than 7:30 am just sounds painful, and I need all the sleep I can get. I want to get to know the people here much better, but it is so hard when I am emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that happens here. I want to maintain my relationship with Andrew, but I can't spend all of my free time talking to him. It is very tricky.
There are only three weeks left of Project, and I have made some pretty good friends. There are still tons of girls I'd love to get to know better, but where is the time? Sure, I could be talking to someone right now, but we all need our alone time to process our lives and what God is teaching us. If I never had any time to myself, I would freak out. This really has been the hardest summer of my life.
I look forward to having my own room with my own bathroom and a large, comfortable bed. I look forward to Morgantown. I look forward to seeing Andrew almost every day. At the same time, however, I don't want Summer Project to end. It feels as though it just began, and there are still areas of my life in which I want to see and feel healing. There are still places in which I want to see myself grow. There are fears I need to overcome. There are obstacles here that I can't even put into words.
And then there are the obstacles that aren't here at all. There's the death of my cousin that seeps into my mind from time to time. There's the absence of my boyfriend whom I love and miss dearly. There's the ever present fear of what lies in my future as a writer. There are so many fears.
What I am seeking is rest, and I know that God is my rest. He still doesn't have all of me, and it bothers me. I just need to hand everything over to Him so He can deal with my fears, anxieties, and everything else. He is so much better at taking care of things than I am.
God is so good, and he always provides. I was scared that I had to raise $2750, but He did it for me. He raised all of it for me. I was scared that I wouldn't get a job, but He got one for me, and a good one at that. I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends at all, but he put some amazing people in my life. I was scared that I'd never be able to go on Summer Project, but here I am. He has blessed me so abundantly, and it is so easy for us to overlook that.
Something I have been thinking a lot about is the absolutely terrifying power of God. I think we sometimes forget that our God is the God who created us and everything surrounding us. Our God is the God who appeared as a burning bush to a simple man with a speech impediment. Our God is the God who made the sun stand still in the sky for his warriors. Our God is the God who saved His devoted servants from an overheated furnace. Our God is the God who rose people from the dead and healed the sick. Our God is the God of the prophets. Our God is the God who has an army of angels.
When I think of all of this, I stand in complete awe and fear. How majestic is our Lord! How worthy He is of praise! And to think, this is the same God who sees us as spotless and blameless. Washed by the blood of Christ, He sees us as Christ! We have the same healing hands of Jesus. We have the power to cast out demons, heal the sick, and raise the dead. We are to have the faith that stops the sun in the sky and moves mountains.
What a calling.
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