Scared Hopeless

Fear. I am struck with fear. Constant fear. Never ending, hopeless fear.

And I have been. For a long time. I can't really remember the last time I wasn't fearful.

But why? Why am I fearful? It makes no sense at all. I have so many options in front of me for my future. I can go to grad school. I can take a year off. I could end up married. I could die tomorrow. I don't know. But fear. Why am I afraid of my future? All of these options are wonderful! For realz. Well, besides death -- even though I would get to meet Jesus sooner! But really. My anxiety has been out of the roof for the past few months.

This time next year, I'll be preparing to graduate. With an English degree. Woo. The worst degree EVER. If I don't go to grad school, I won't get a decent job. At least, I more than likely won't get a decent job. Ever.

What do I want in life? I want Jesus. I want to pursue Jesus. I want freedom to follow Him. I want to be my own person. I want to live according to His Will.

Here's the only other thing I want: I want to marry Andrew. That is the only thing that I 100% know, that I am 100% sure, that I want for my future, besides the ability to follow Jesus with everything I have.

My problem is patience. I have no patience! And I have a past that makes me yearn for physical contact, and not having it is a horrible struggle. I burn with passion every day.

But love is patient (1 Cor 13:4). And I love Andrew. And I will honor both him and God with this patience that can only come from above. Or I will try my hardest...since that's really all God expects.

Andrew has been so patient with me, and I love him even more for it. I only hope and pray I can return the favor. I'm covered in grace.

when I should be studying...

Tonight, I cannot get over how amazing our God is. I should be studying, but I can't even concentrate! My mind is blown, as usual, and the unfailing love of our God!  He always gives me exactly what I need, even when I don't go to Him about it with prayer. He takes care of me so well! He gives me the chance to pour into others, and He gives me the opportunity to be poured into. He gives me life. He gives me love. He gives me a worldly example of His love through Andrew, and if the love Andrew shows me is no where near the love God has for us, how completely overwhelming is God's love?! I stand in awe. I bow in awe. Why do I not wake early every morning to spend precious time with the Creator of the universe? Why do I get ahead on homework instead of reading my Bible in my spare time? My God -- He is worthy of  every single second of my day and every single breath I breathe, for He is the Creator of each second and each breath. Why -- how -- do I forget these things? How can something as lowly as my flesh take over my thoughts and actions when my Creator is so much greater? It is time to get back on track. Since Summer Project, my quiet times have been horrible. School has taken over my life -- it's time to surrender that to God. God has so much in store for me, and it is so exciting!

How refreshing to know You don't need me; how amazing to find that You want me! 


Yes, He, the Creator of the universe, wants me. And He wants you, too. He wants all of us.

a relaxing morning

I haven't written on here in forever. Yes, I am aware I begin every single blog post like this. This is the first Saturday morning that I have just sat and relaxed since May, I believe. It is nice to breathe -- or rather, it would be nice to breathe if my sinuses didn't hate me. But that's okay. My sinuses won't ruin today.

I have myriad work to do before Monday, but I refuse. Throughout the week, I never have a moment to rest, to sit back and look at my life from a distance. I'm always in the here and now without a moment to waste. I'm so sick of that. I'm so sick of school consuming my life! I live for the weekend, it seems. The Writing Center is closed on the weekends, so I don't work. I can breathe.

Today is Andrew's and my eight month anniversary. It's crazy how time flies...that's the entire year! Crazy. But awesome. We are going to Cooper's Rock for a picnic this after -- if it doesn't rain. I really hope it doesn't rain.

He just got here, and he brought me flowers...I am so blessed. I love him. God is good.

feeling thoughtful

Sunday afternoons are the best: we don't have anything to do except eat lunch with our life groups and chill until 7 or 7:30 when we have our prayer meeting. This week was a little different. We are fasting as a group for 24 hours, and during these 24 hours, we are praying individually for 24 different countries. My country was Russia, and I prayed from 2-3 pm. Tonight, after we spend 7-8 pm praying for the United States as a group, we will break the fast with food provided by the church. It was hard last night when we started the fast, and it was hard this morning at church, but since I left church, I have not been feeling hungry. When I got back to the house, I talked to Caitlin for a while about what's been going on lately and how stressed I've been feeling, and then afterwards I went and had a decent quiet time for the first time in what feels like forever. After that, I fell asleep for an hour or so, and it was an absolutely fantastic nap (despite how I dreamt I ate an apple).

The entire time here, I have been struggling with finding a balance between time spent with God, new friends, and Andrew. It is incredibly hard to spend decent time with all three, despite the necessity. I want to wake up earlier to pray before work, but waking up earlier than 7:30 am just sounds painful, and I need all the sleep I can get. I want to get to know the people here much better, but it is so hard when I am emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that happens here. I want to maintain my relationship with Andrew, but I can't spend all of my free time talking to him. It is very tricky.

There are only three weeks left of Project, and I have made some pretty good friends. There are still tons of girls I'd love to get to know better, but where is the time? Sure, I could be talking to someone right now, but we all need our alone time to process our lives and what God is teaching us. If I never had any time to myself, I would freak out. This really has been the hardest summer of my life.

I look forward to having my own room with my own bathroom and a large, comfortable bed. I look forward to Morgantown. I look forward to seeing Andrew almost every day. At the same time, however, I don't want Summer Project to end. It feels as though it just began, and there are still areas of my life in which I want to see and feel healing. There are still places in which I want to see myself grow. There are fears I need to overcome. There are obstacles here that I can't even put into words.

And then there are the obstacles that aren't here at all. There's the death of my cousin that seeps into my mind from time to time. There's the absence of my boyfriend whom I love and miss dearly. There's the ever present fear of what lies in my future as a writer. There are so many fears.

What I am seeking is rest, and I know that God is my rest. He still doesn't have all of me, and it bothers me. I just need to hand everything over to Him so He can deal with my fears, anxieties, and everything else. He is so much better at taking care of things than I am.

God is so good, and he always provides. I was scared that I had to raise $2750, but He did it for me. He raised all of it for me. I was scared that I wouldn't get a job, but He got one for me, and a good one at that. I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends at all, but he put some amazing people in my life. I was scared that I'd never be able to go on Summer Project, but here I am. He has blessed me so abundantly, and it is so easy for us to overlook that.

Something I have been thinking a lot about is the absolutely terrifying power of God. I think we sometimes forget that our God is the God who created us and everything surrounding us. Our God is the God who appeared as a burning bush to a simple man with a speech impediment. Our God is the God who made the sun stand still in the sky for his warriors. Our God is the God who saved His devoted servants from an overheated furnace. Our God is the God who rose people from the dead and healed the sick. Our God is the God of the prophets. Our God is the God who has an army of angels.

When I think of all of this, I stand in complete awe and fear. How majestic is our Lord! How worthy He is of praise! And to think, this is the same God who sees us as spotless and blameless. Washed by the blood of Christ, He sees us as Christ! We have the same healing hands of Jesus. We have the power to cast out demons, heal the sick, and raise the dead. We are to have the faith that stops the sun in the sky and moves mountains.

What a calling.

June 24, 2011

What an odd idea it would be to let a vicious storm capture a beautiful day in paradise. Why would that be allowed: a beautiful day without the appearance of rain -- quickly switched to a tempest? 

By early evening, the sunny day had been mourned. The black clouds filled the sky and filled the air with thick rain drops. The storm lasted for what seemed like forever. At times it was unbearable, and at times there seemed no hope -- that the storm would continue forever, and the sun would never show its face again.

Amidst the tears, the sun did indeed begin to show itself. Light began to infiltrate the gray terrain as dark gray clouds parted. Over time, the sky became blue again, save a few white cumulus clouds. A sign showed in the sky -- a colorful arc. Why would something so beautiful follow the storm?

Paradise was calm. Waves few. Water refreshing. God good.

oh, hey blog

If I do have anyone who has been following because they saw this on my support letter, I really apologize. I have never felt so swamped and exhausted -- and I'm not even in school! I have been writing a lot in my journal, but that is stuff I can't post online, so I can't really blog that. Also, the internet here is hit-or-miss, so many days I don't even bother trying. However, here is a recap:

I work at Souvenir City/Inlet Gifts, which is on the boardwalk. It's about a 20 minute walk from my house, so there's my exercise! I wake up every morning at 7:30, but lately I haven't been falling asleep until very, very late...so that's just bad. Over the past three or so days, I've probably totaled about 16 hours of sleep. I am exhausted.

Since I am exhausted, I really don't want to be around people. I am having a lot of trouble dividing my time between my Project friends, Andrew, and, of course, God. I need to order my private world very, very badly. Without decent time spent with God, I lose it. I just feel empty. And I am so used to being alone at night that I can't really break the habit to go outside and play games with people. Tonight I am calling it a very early night and lying in bed whilst blogging and chatting. It is nice. I will also throw in some Bible in that mix, and it will be beautiful.

Early this morning, I described myself to a friend as an "emotional zombie." I feel so many things, but I actually feel nothing at all. I have experienced so many different emotions in the past couple of weeks that I have become numb to emotional feeling. I am very, very burnt out.

On June 9th, my cousin died in a car accident. He was 23. Evangelism is just starting to make itself a priority again. I just need to talk, which is why I am always writing in my journal.

I am constantly writing in my journal. My journal is my god. I idolize it, and I acknowledge that. If you're reading this, shoot up a prayer that I stop being in love with my journal and I start reading my Bible as much as I write. Blah!

So, since I am so preoccupied with other thoughts, I feel as though I am not having a good Project experience. That, however, is just my perception. I am learning a lot. A LOT. And I am going to leave Project a much more mature Christian.

I am learning a lot about patience. Or, I am learning a lot about how I don't have any patience. It's something that I really need to work on in many aspects of my life. Again, if you're reading this, shoot up a prayer for me.

I guess the only thing I can say is that I really, really need God. I have been trying to do a lot of things here at Project on my own, and I am failing. I need Him so badly, and I will be able to experience Him when I order my private life. That is something that needs to start tonight.

Until later.

Day 2

Well, first of all, allow me to talk about yesterday in much more detail:

I got to OCMD around 2pm. I unpacked and fixed up my bed as much as I could, and then I went to Souvenir City on the boardwalk to check in about a job. It turns out that they were saving two jobs for Project people, so Karen and I got the jobs. Getting a job on the first day is super relieving. I am very blessed.

Last night we went out sharing, and Anna and I talked to two women in their late 20s I'm guessing. They were pretty receptive, and I think we may have planted a seed. They were listening and asking a lot of good questions, and God totally spoke through me and Anna because we came back with really great answers on the spot. It was sweet.

Yesterday I think I really hated Summer Project; I'm not gonna lie. Today, however, I woke up with a completely different perspective. I think yesterday I was just ridiculous tired and wanted to be alone in my own little hole, but now I'm ready to come out of my shell and make cool friends...which I have. My small group is awesome. I really love those girls already, and it's going to be an awesome summer with them. My life group is also awesome, and it's going to be awesome going to church with them every Sunday and getting lunch after, etc. This just rules. Tonight, we all hung out on the porch, and I was sitting near the guitars. Mike and Jason were playing Taking Back Sunday's "Cute Without the E," and it was great. Now I'm chilling inside with pretty decent internet. Blogging. Blogging is fun.

Boy. I love writing. And I think I'm going to be doing a lot of it this summer. I like it. I like God, too. He's pretty sweet. And he's the reason I'm here. Boy...I really love that God of mine. He's awesome.

Can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow.